Surviving...

For some reason, God has me just surviving financially.

No vacations, No splurging, No dreaming… at least no dreaming anything that costs money.

Yup, for right now, at least, I live on shoestrings.

I guess I shouldn’t be concerned about the talk of his job going away.

But, again, I feel that feeling well up inside the pit of me

You know that one that has clenched fists and worries.

Oh, how I wrestle with holding on to what I can see, touch and “count on.”

Ha, when did I fool myself, again, into believing I can “count on” fleshly things.

Shouldn’t I know better by now who my provider truly is?

How is it that I settle in and love comforts so much?

Comfort foods, cuddly blankets, comfortable jobs, cushy finances

God never promised these things; yet has allowed them in the past.

Then, a while back, the game changed and He demanded my complete trust.

And He provided!

Again and again He provided

When my freezer’s meat drawer was empty, He filled it…

To overflowing…

Again and

Again and

Again.

Oh I lived in the constant state of His generosity and provision.

Our needs were always met.

Our food, the roof over our heads, our clothes never wearing out

Our faith growing in ways I never imagined.

I saw God in ways I had never had the opportunity to in the past.

I knew God saw me in my wilderness, like He saw Hagar.

Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?”  Genesis 16:13

He knew me, He tested me, He grew me.

Yet, here I dwell with a clenched fist trying to hold onto “my idea.”

My idea of what I think is best.

I surrender.

Clenching fists seems easier then crying or being angry…

Or being afraid…

Afraid of being Powerless

Don’t we fear that?

Where you eat straight from the master’s hand

When our very next breath seems to be ordered the moment it’s due, or even the moment after, when it seems late.

I think He waits on purpose, to stretch us beyond what we thought possible, so we couldn’t possibly stretch far enough.

So we could run out… of the shoestrings, and scraps, and money, and breath, and hope, and of ourselves.

All of those things fool me.

All of those things get in the way.

All of those things can limit the new things He wants to do in our lives.

So sometimes He empties our meat drawers and removes our clenched fingers from grasping the fleshly…

To fill them

With His idea.  One that leaves us overflowing with hope, faith, purpose.

One to know, what is feels like to be “known” in a wilderness place

And one that now knows confidence in the orchestrator of our days and nights.

“You’re the God of my days, the King of my nights

Lord of my laughter, sovereign in sorrow

You’re the Prince of my praise, the love of my life

You never leave me, You are faithful, God of my days.”

Song: Gateway Worship “God Of My Days”

Trusting Him, with confidence, no matter what the horizons hold, comes from the experiences that build the “knowing.”

The “knowing” Him as Jehovah Jireh, My Provider

The provider who drops the dreams into my mind and orchestrates the events that play as my life’s story.

Surrendering my surviving, my fleshly comforts, my clenched fists full of worry

To be “known” by a Jehovah God,

and to trust that His dream for me is going to fit me,

once I’ve stretched large enough to handle it,

all with my confidence in Him.

Taming Emotions...

I tried to cheat.

I tried to separate my emotions from this writing...

I found it came up lacking, wanting

I tried to hide behind events and mask my emotions.

It came up shallow, superficial and empty.

I guess I can't write a regular blog

One about what I did today and how these precious little ones responded

I can't seem to keep a record of activities but emotions.

Emotions that drive me to the King

See I used to cheat and let my emotions sit upon the throne of my heart.

Their rule was chaotic, irrational and full

Until I learned how that's not the full we are designed for.

So I released full rule to my King and He set order to what was out of order.

He helped me arrest those emotions that ran wild within me

Wrestle with imagination, casting it down;

He and I were left standing...

Victorious over my old self.

So now any day I try to cheat, I'm exposed by the superficial.

Any day I work hard to hide to submerge myself in a dunk tank of shallow.

I drip with whats empty, with whats lacking the eternal;

Revealing my foolishness.

I guess I'm not allowed to write a precious blog of collected fun and memories.

For me He set up a standard where that would be me cheating, running, dripping wet with foolishness.

Instead my King pronounced a different edict

One that harnesses my deep emotions, exposes humanness and reveals Him.

Now I must ride like the tamed Stallion, arrested by loves freedom and driven as I was supposed to be.

Running...

I just want to hide away for a minute to think… to process… to digest.

It’s easier when we can look off into the distance and easily see our next moves.

So I put on my gym shoes and I hit the pavement.

The easy plodding along, the straight path ahead of me… the pace

My mind wanders across the decisions of the day and the job going away and the income needed…

Running, I know my end goal, I know how far; so I easily make a right.

In real life I face another crossroad.

Where are you God? Why so quiet?

The gnawing feeling of being tested to see the content of my heart eats my side as a cramp sets in.

I slow my thinking to the immediate; do I have what it takes?

I hold my side… I pray God holds my future.

I walk to the next corner; I rethink taking the long way, I feel the constant struggle I seem to face right now.

The second guessing, the weak feeling, the wondering… “Can I do this?”

God help…

The cars stream past endlessly, the lady waives, the breeze blows… almost whispers.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.  Hebrews 12:1-3

I cross, not choosing the easy path, I set my pace.

Am I running the race to win?

You ran well.  Who hindered you from obeying the truth?  This persuasion does not come from Him who calls you.  Galatians 5:7-8

I rethink my day.  I rethink where I went wrong, where I lost faith, where I tripped, where I was cut in on.

I run.  I pick up the pace.  The sweat breaks out like the joy inside.

I step over the obstacles in my path and I choose…

I choose to win.

I choose to fight.  I choose to trust.

I will say: 

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7

I near my street, my home for now; I realize it’s all just a race.

I fix my eyes on my end goal.

I slow my gate.

He set my course.

He’ll have to make it obvious to me…

I remember the waive, the whisper.

I remember the times He’s done it before.

I smile, I slow… almost home.

I fight the breeze but I press in…

Tired, my foot strikes the pavement sustaining me from my constant falling position.

I let my will fall into His.

I can do this…
On the course He sets.

Then I open the door to winning.

Half Baked...

Half making cookies and half thinking; I realize how often I do that. 

I do have a bit of a sweet tooth. 

I lay out my ingredients and start creaming my butter.

Sometimes I do feel a bit grouchy, unhappy, discontent.

When I look around and see stuff half done.

Half cleaned kitchens

Half done aprons

Half obedient children

And a half hour late husband!

Oh and I won’t mention the half baked goals.

How is it, as I think about my day, my week, my empty… egg carton…

Who put the carton away empty… how I just hate half done jobs!

I wonder if they’d taste worst without the eggs.

They will probably be flat, like my goals.

I add “eggs” to my grocery list.

I see one of the neighbor kids pass through with a team shirt on.

A team I wanted the kids to be on… oh well.

It would be a house payment to let them all play.

I relook at my recipe.  I’m not sure why, without eggs, they wouldn’t taste the same.

I go back to my beginning goals.

Where did I go wrong?

I think about my original list to achieve…

Aprons weren’t on there but obedient children were.

Cookies would have been a detail but cleaned kitchens would have been a necessity.

How do somethings make the list?

The work things,

But the eggs get missed.

I decide to focus on what’s important.

My little girl’s big eyes look up at me, “What do we do now Mommy?”

I hug her to my side.

“We’ll have to text Daddy and see if he will pick some eggs up on his way home.”

I push the half made cookies to the side and again lead her outside to pick up the chalk.

“Copy what I do.”  She follows.

She obeys.

We finish a picture;

Half hers

Half mine.

Sealed with a whole hug and a big smile.

I brush off the chalk dust to finish my half made dough, to complete my family dinner,

Knowing what’s truly important needs to be mixed into my focus or they’ll never turn out right.

Choosing to Follow...

Have you ever been frustrated?
The kind of frustrated that leaves you angry, despite your ability to do anything about it.
Even considering writing again was a complete faith move.
It took a lot of faith, in my ability to hide my work, so I could continue to hide my emotions;
not just from you but from myself as well.
Then God directed me toward this very hidden place in my heart.
Healing couldn't even begin for me until I could allow myself to feel again...
where I deemed it necessary, for survival, to close up.
That all began my writing again.
For me, hearing myself isn't healing
Emotions expressed in the written form is like a salve or like expressing the air out of a balloon.
And here is where I wrestle with the depth of my emotions, the truth in them and the risk of sharing them with you.
If I continue to share with you, I lay myself out before you...
like in thread bare tattered clothes with little to cover me.
And yet, I still wrestle with trifle issues like over whether my prose seem too depressing or whether I do my King a justice by exposing me and Him, for who He is...
One who'd choose me, regardless of the mess I remain in or started as.
How could one such as I represent Him or do His name justice,
because I know who I am under the tatters, the remnants.


This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. John 15:12-13
 
So my friend, I lay myself down before you.
Did you hear the noise of the balloon blowing out its air as it flies across this page, like my pen along these lines...
And soon as the written word is typed, as the letters chase the cursor across this screen.
It blew away the anger as my King blows away my fear.
For what kind of friend would I be if I hid my light under the bushel and chose not to lay it all down to do what I believe is right, healing and true.
So I take up my cross, beautiful or not with all my rough edges, slivers and awkwardness
And Follow.
Accepting my cross,
Risking it all...
For the deflating of my emotions and you...
I choose to follow.

Hard Days and His Work...

I'm just thinking about those days... Those tough days, like today, that seem to ache by with an edge of anxiety.  You know those kind of days.  Its the ones where you think Gods peace comes too slowly, though you prayed... hours ago. 

As I was washing down the bathroom, being that its a mindless task, my mind started to wander.  I guess today would be like a stormy day.  One that you'd be forced to look outside despite the hail crashing against the window pains warning you away.  After the bathroom looked "just so," I went to sweeping the foyer dirt and found the tar the kids tracked in from the road being repaved. 

"Why... why such hard days?"

I remember the King I serve, I hear the music in the background. Jars of Clay are singing, 

"Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood

Slowly I become one with the mud."

Looking at my dirt pile and thinking of the mud.  This world is a muddy place and I hate that sometimes.  

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps.  Psalm 40:2 (NKJV)

I toss that pan full of dirt into the trash and thank the God of Creation that He, making me out of that very dirt, separated me from it, by making me into His image. 

His Very Image.  And the process of that transformation is messy.  Oh the cleansing process....

I want to run in the rain.  Bathe in His grace.  Rest in His Righteousness. 

Oh that I might be the Bride you desire me to be...

...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NIV)

It hits me like hail... I just surrender to You, I just trust You, I just love You...

YOU do the rest! 

Hence the tough days.  Hence the rain...!

Maybe Your rain will soften my heart. Maybe Your turning up the fire will help me look more like You.  Maybe I'm Your work, like the bathroom is mine... Oh clean me till I'm "just so." 

"Without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish."

Maybe "Holy and Blameless" is what is left after you throw Your rug of Righteousness around me; after you sweep away the me that seems to stick like the tar to my floor.  Sweep away the sinful me. 

Sow for yourselves righteousness;
      Reap in mercy;
      Break up your fallow ground,
      For it is time to seek the LORD,
      Till He comes and rains righteousness on you.  Hosea 10:11-13 (NKJV)

I form the light and create darkness,
      I make peace and create calamity;
      I, the LORD, do all these things.’
“ Rain down, you heavens, from above,
      And let the skies pour down righteousness;
      Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
      And let righteousness spring up together.
      I, the LORD, have created it.  Isaiah 45:7-9 (NKJV)

Finding you as I find me...

This thought isn't probably going to be like most thoughts.  I feel I'm too ordinary.  My kids are too normal.  My husband is just a regular guy.  My marriage is probably typical.  My place of work is just my "daily grind."  My photography is just centered on the main character in the photo. 

And finally my life is really... Well, not even my own. 

If all that sounds a lot like you, then we will make great friends. 

You see I'm not very good at comparing or competing; I mostly excel at loving.  But the world doesn't really count that as very important. 

So I present to you... My King!  His name is Jesus Christ and for some reason my thoughts stray His way all too often.  I was drawn to Him at a very young age and He's just kind of...

stuck with me on this journey we call life.  I'm actually surprised that He's found me because there isn't anything that separates me from you or anyone else. 

Really I'm actually finding that my life doesn't reflect who I am through my kids, husband, marriage or even the work I do day-in and day-out.  In fact, those pictures I take don't really reflect "me" either. 

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)

I'm finding that I didn't even know me until I knew Him.  My guess is as good as yours as to who I could have been or who I would be; that is, if... He didn't stick with me. 

As I saw Him more clearly, I began to have a reflection, a clarity as to who I was and what I was to do. 

I slowly trusted Him, and His ways.  As I trusted, I saw His face and He allowed me to see mine in His. 

Here is where I could weep... 

Did you ever take the moment and allow yourself to really see who you are?

Broken, Lonely, Wounded, Afraid... Empty; Yet, full!

Full of everything you wouldn't want to be full of. 

Well, that's me.

How different are you from me? 

Hopefully, like me, your stories reflection doesn't end there.  Hopefully you are now "known" and have had the opportunity to see your own reflection reflecting back at you.

"I will change your name. 

You shall no longer be called...

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.

I will change your name.

Your new name shall be...

Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming one,

Faithfulness, Friend of God,

One who seeks My Face."

-Songs Author Unknown

 

"... To him who overcomes... I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it."  Revelations 2:17 (NKJV)

 

I guess I'm still thinking about what my new name could be and about the reflection that peers back at me as I gaze through the windows...
of My mundane daily work,
My children's eyes,
My husbands grin,
My photograph that hangs on the wall,
and my King who encourages me along toward...
His reflection

By the way, It's nice to meet you!  I'll try to trust you, as you trust me, to reveal the thoughts I'm thinking and I just know that...
We'll be the Best of Friends when we're done.
Jen