So Here I Sit...

So here I sit,
On the other side of some understanding,
A young lady still.
Wisdom only coating 3 or 4 hairs,
With just a little...
A little bit of knowing, anchoring me,  and propelling me forward.
Because I can live more fully on the other side of asking God big questions and resting in His answers.

Yet, here I sit,
With the not so faint echo in my mind of my step-dad's question...
"How do you know God is real and why would a good God allow pain?"
I know the superficial answers.
They are neat and tidy and fit into a paragraph.
But when the sun sets and the ZZZZZ's don't come very quickly...
The restless soul tosses the superficial answers out the window, in place of the sheep.
The spiritual heart aches dead beneath the chest,
And the angst of answers that delay and seem to not come only frustrate the seeker.
The seeker who lies awake at night.


Here I sit, pained by the thought of how I failed my step-dad with my answer.
My superficial answer.
The one I gave before I knew.
Before I was forced to ask God my own question of "why?"
Before my heart begged why, and my mind wouldn't rest, and my foot tapped, and I needed my answer to move on.
God gave me His quick answers, and my foot came to a rest.
My heart ached, although content.
I rested in His reply and understanding.
Though my struggle of understanding came so painstakingly and passed so abruptly; He'd only just begun.


For my healing process required God's purpose
Because nights do seem so long, so dark and minds do fill in the space so quickly.
And now I sit here.
Where it's not so dark.
On the other side, where the deeper answer cuts through the superficial and sheds even more of me away.
He allowed so much because He knew who I'd be if He did intervene in a different way.
I dare not contemplate who I'd be or where I'd be if...
If God had allowed a different course for me.
A different plan.
Maybe one where I didn't need Him so much
Or maybe one where I wouldn't get to see Him so real
Or maybe... my stomach is growing nauseous with the very thought.
Because God has blessed me.
For I know He's real.
I've seen Him move.
I've felt His embrace.
I've been changed by His truth.
And yet, my step-father knows me, and still has to ask if God is real.
Maybe somethings can only be answered by God. 
Where people could never give an answer deep enough, or rich enough to awaken the heart or settle the soul.
Well, I pray this very day that God answers the questions of your seeking heart, speaks deeply to your soul, rescues you from your restlessness, and embraces you as His own.

And so here I sit, not needing the shoes that I and so many have worn, on the other side of accepting that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are perfect.
Otherwise I might not be here at all,
Because He allowed exactly what I needed so that I could sit here.
Healed and trusting... on the other side of more understanding.

Fears bad dream...

A bad dream just woke me up.
I question what motivated it.
I question the fear behind it.
My brain is still foggy.

Have you ever felt fear?

I review the dreams events in my mind.
Thankfully it was never real; although, it felt real.
Too upset by it, I can't fall peacefully back to sleep.
It's odd for me to have a bad dream.
I still quake.
My mind rattles.
My imagination still mulling it over...
Forcing myself, I get up, though it's still dark.
I fumble around to grab the "God's Promises for Your Every Need," book.
Soon it will be light outside but I flick on the light, opening the book up to the section on Experiencing Fear.
I read... scripture after scripture.
I don't feel a change.  Probably because I'm still struggling to focus.
My mind still wrestles with reality.

I read...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed; for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; yes, I will help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  Isiah 41:10

I pray...
"Thank You, God, that I don't have to fear.  I love that You are with me!  That's why I don't need to be dismayed by this dream or the fear it insighted or anything.  Thank You that You ARE God, that You strengthen me and will always help me.  Thank You for not just the thought but that You actually will uphold me with the right hand of Your righteousness.  That's a powerful right hand!" 

The sun just rose.  Its powerful and warm rays now pour in the window and over my right shoulder.

This remind me of Him.
I turn off my artificial light's switch.
I refuse to do it alone; I need Him.  I need His truth to sink in deeply.
For as I restated, and prayed His words, my chest began to relax.
My mind eased; my soul warmed.
My tension fled with fear at the power of His word.
I've abided in His peace long enough to know being fearful is not what true living is like.
Yet, I've felt fear's evil grip before.
It has insighted trembling, panic and blocked rational thought.
Fear can even whip up imaginations to wreak further havoc.
But not today!
My God is powerful and has overcome, so that I might be an overcomer through His word.

I love how His written word is made up of letters on a page;
Except His letters which create meaning go forth with purpose and stride, that inhabit power and encompasses strength, like an unstoppable army marching forward.
An army that runs off the fear and tramples over the imagination; Yet, it lifts me up, brushes me off and empowers me.

I've never seen anything as alive.
I've never felt anything as real.
I've never been more quickly moved, as by it.
In fact, the very nature of His word, leaves me impacted, changed and feeling more alive than anything else.

I restful now, pondering a God that could make words alive and who could rescue me from fears clutches that threatened me this morning.
I soak up the Son's rays, His warmth, and His richness with a thankful heart because he is a powerful God.
I love knowing that He battles for me and covers me, so my day may start...
In the warmth of His peace!

Embraced by Brotherly Love...

~My family and I visited the church that we used to attend in my hometown.  I just love this church body and was so pleased to receive such a warm and loving reception when we came in from out-of-town.  Here is a glimpse of what I experienced that day...

You spoke on Hebrews 13 today;
All on brotherly love.
It's not something I've seen in real life very often; only a time or two.
Today you spoke it, from the heart, when you embraced my head of home.
It was a hug that seemed to span the space between us. 
It seemed to reach through him to me and the little ones too.
You two embraced in a way I'd never seen before.
Two grown, educated, real men almost attacked each other and held on, for so long...
My eyes teared up. 
My heart began to believe again.
Believe in Christians who give, and love, and live.
Live what they preach; live who He is.
Time seemed to stand still and speak... Hebrews 13:1 visually displayed before me.
Two brothers, with Christ as the blood tie, changing my perspective.
Teaching me the definition of what it truly looks like to...

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.  Hebrews 13:1

This moment, that warmed my heart and filled my eyes, is now seared in my mind forever.

I forgot to tell you...
I feel the same way about you, pastor.  So does he and the little ones. 
The whole church there,
We love them with a love only the King can give.
One that cuts deeper, one that lives on... despite the distance between us each Sunday, Wednesday, or all those other moments I miss in between.  Except today, we get to unite.  We get to fellowship.  We get to worship together.

Today, you taught on brotherly love, but most of your sermon was after you dismissed us,
To your embrace...
Which held us.
You preached a sermon that attacked my heart and held on until my heart was seared...
With brotherly love.