So here I sit,
On the other side of some understanding,
A young lady still.
Wisdom only coating 3 or 4 hairs,
With just a little...
A little bit of knowing, anchoring me, and propelling me forward.
Because I can live more fully on the other side of asking God big questions and resting in His answers.
Yet, here I sit,
With the not so faint echo in my mind of my step-dad's question...
"How do you know God is real and why would a good God allow pain?"
I know the superficial answers.
They are neat and tidy and fit into a paragraph.
But when the sun sets and the ZZZZZ's don't come very quickly...
The restless soul tosses the superficial answers out the window, in place of the sheep.
The spiritual heart aches dead beneath the chest,
And the angst of answers that delay and seem to not come only frustrate the seeker.
The seeker who lies awake at night.
Here I sit, pained by the thought of how I failed my step-dad with my answer.
My superficial answer.
The one I gave before I knew.
Before I was forced to ask God my own question of "why?"
Before my heart begged why, and my mind wouldn't rest, and my foot tapped, and I needed my answer to move on.
God gave me His quick answers, and my foot came to a rest.
My heart ached, although content.
I rested in His reply and understanding.
Though my struggle of understanding came so painstakingly and passed so abruptly; He'd only just begun.
For my healing process required God's purpose
Because nights do seem so long, so dark and minds do fill in the space so quickly.
And now I sit here.
Where it's not so dark.
On the other side, where the deeper answer cuts through the superficial and sheds even more of me away.
He allowed so much because He knew who I'd be if He did intervene in a different way.
I dare not contemplate who I'd be or where I'd be if...
If God had allowed a different course for me.
A different plan.
Maybe one where I didn't need Him so much
Or maybe one where I wouldn't get to see Him so real
Or maybe... my stomach is growing nauseous with the very thought.
Because God has blessed me.
For I know He's real.
I've seen Him move.
I've felt His embrace.
I've been changed by His truth.
And yet, my step-father knows me, and still has to ask if God is real.
Maybe somethings can only be answered by God.
Where people could never give an answer deep enough, or rich enough to awaken the heart or settle the soul.
Well, I pray this very day that God answers the questions of your seeking heart, speaks deeply to your soul, rescues you from your restlessness, and embraces you as His own.
And so here I sit, not needing the shoes that I and so many have worn, on the other side of accepting that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are perfect.
Otherwise I might not be here at all,
Because He allowed exactly what I needed so that I could sit here.
Healed and trusting... on the other side of more understanding.
