Choosing to Follow...

Have you ever been frustrated?
The kind of frustrated that leaves you angry, despite your ability to do anything about it.
Even considering writing again was a complete faith move.
It took a lot of faith, in my ability to hide my work, so I could continue to hide my emotions;
not just from you but from myself as well.
Then God directed me toward this very hidden place in my heart.
Healing couldn't even begin for me until I could allow myself to feel again...
where I deemed it necessary, for survival, to close up.
That all began my writing again.
For me, hearing myself isn't healing
Emotions expressed in the written form is like a salve or like expressing the air out of a balloon.
And here is where I wrestle with the depth of my emotions, the truth in them and the risk of sharing them with you.
If I continue to share with you, I lay myself out before you...
like in thread bare tattered clothes with little to cover me.
And yet, I still wrestle with trifle issues like over whether my prose seem too depressing or whether I do my King a justice by exposing me and Him, for who He is...
One who'd choose me, regardless of the mess I remain in or started as.
How could one such as I represent Him or do His name justice,
because I know who I am under the tatters, the remnants.


This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. John 15:12-13
 
So my friend, I lay myself down before you.
Did you hear the noise of the balloon blowing out its air as it flies across this page, like my pen along these lines...
And soon as the written word is typed, as the letters chase the cursor across this screen.
It blew away the anger as my King blows away my fear.
For what kind of friend would I be if I hid my light under the bushel and chose not to lay it all down to do what I believe is right, healing and true.
So I take up my cross, beautiful or not with all my rough edges, slivers and awkwardness
And Follow.
Accepting my cross,
Risking it all...
For the deflating of my emotions and you...
I choose to follow.

Hard Days and His Work...

I'm just thinking about those days... Those tough days, like today, that seem to ache by with an edge of anxiety.  You know those kind of days.  Its the ones where you think Gods peace comes too slowly, though you prayed... hours ago. 

As I was washing down the bathroom, being that its a mindless task, my mind started to wander.  I guess today would be like a stormy day.  One that you'd be forced to look outside despite the hail crashing against the window pains warning you away.  After the bathroom looked "just so," I went to sweeping the foyer dirt and found the tar the kids tracked in from the road being repaved. 

"Why... why such hard days?"

I remember the King I serve, I hear the music in the background. Jars of Clay are singing, 

"Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood

Slowly I become one with the mud."

Looking at my dirt pile and thinking of the mud.  This world is a muddy place and I hate that sometimes.  

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps.  Psalm 40:2 (NKJV)

I toss that pan full of dirt into the trash and thank the God of Creation that He, making me out of that very dirt, separated me from it, by making me into His image. 

His Very Image.  And the process of that transformation is messy.  Oh the cleansing process....

I want to run in the rain.  Bathe in His grace.  Rest in His Righteousness. 

Oh that I might be the Bride you desire me to be...

...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NIV)

It hits me like hail... I just surrender to You, I just trust You, I just love You...

YOU do the rest! 

Hence the tough days.  Hence the rain...!

Maybe Your rain will soften my heart. Maybe Your turning up the fire will help me look more like You.  Maybe I'm Your work, like the bathroom is mine... Oh clean me till I'm "just so." 

"Without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish."

Maybe "Holy and Blameless" is what is left after you throw Your rug of Righteousness around me; after you sweep away the me that seems to stick like the tar to my floor.  Sweep away the sinful me. 

Sow for yourselves righteousness;
      Reap in mercy;
      Break up your fallow ground,
      For it is time to seek the LORD,
      Till He comes and rains righteousness on you.  Hosea 10:11-13 (NKJV)

I form the light and create darkness,
      I make peace and create calamity;
      I, the LORD, do all these things.’
“ Rain down, you heavens, from above,
      And let the skies pour down righteousness;
      Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
      And let righteousness spring up together.
      I, the LORD, have created it.  Isaiah 45:7-9 (NKJV)

Finding you as I find me...

This thought isn't probably going to be like most thoughts.  I feel I'm too ordinary.  My kids are too normal.  My husband is just a regular guy.  My marriage is probably typical.  My place of work is just my "daily grind."  My photography is just centered on the main character in the photo. 

And finally my life is really... Well, not even my own. 

If all that sounds a lot like you, then we will make great friends. 

You see I'm not very good at comparing or competing; I mostly excel at loving.  But the world doesn't really count that as very important. 

So I present to you... My King!  His name is Jesus Christ and for some reason my thoughts stray His way all too often.  I was drawn to Him at a very young age and He's just kind of...

stuck with me on this journey we call life.  I'm actually surprised that He's found me because there isn't anything that separates me from you or anyone else. 

Really I'm actually finding that my life doesn't reflect who I am through my kids, husband, marriage or even the work I do day-in and day-out.  In fact, those pictures I take don't really reflect "me" either. 

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)

I'm finding that I didn't even know me until I knew Him.  My guess is as good as yours as to who I could have been or who I would be; that is, if... He didn't stick with me. 

As I saw Him more clearly, I began to have a reflection, a clarity as to who I was and what I was to do. 

I slowly trusted Him, and His ways.  As I trusted, I saw His face and He allowed me to see mine in His. 

Here is where I could weep... 

Did you ever take the moment and allow yourself to really see who you are?

Broken, Lonely, Wounded, Afraid... Empty; Yet, full!

Full of everything you wouldn't want to be full of. 

Well, that's me.

How different are you from me? 

Hopefully, like me, your stories reflection doesn't end there.  Hopefully you are now "known" and have had the opportunity to see your own reflection reflecting back at you.

"I will change your name. 

You shall no longer be called...

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.

I will change your name.

Your new name shall be...

Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming one,

Faithfulness, Friend of God,

One who seeks My Face."

-Songs Author Unknown

 

"... To him who overcomes... I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it."  Revelations 2:17 (NKJV)

 

I guess I'm still thinking about what my new name could be and about the reflection that peers back at me as I gaze through the windows...
of My mundane daily work,
My children's eyes,
My husbands grin,
My photograph that hangs on the wall,
and my King who encourages me along toward...
His reflection

By the way, It's nice to meet you!  I'll try to trust you, as you trust me, to reveal the thoughts I'm thinking and I just know that...
We'll be the Best of Friends when we're done.
Jen